Bachelor 18.02 Live Blog

Another episode of the Bachelor! Yee boii!!!!! Was going to code it myself, but I figure it's easier this way.

Today's the episode with the bathroom breakdown! Yay!

Wait fuck, I think I skipped something.  They organized this in a really shitty manner. I'm so confused. Crazy Clare got the first date? How did that happen? What happened to that opera bitch?

That's Clare in case you forgot. She's that bitch who faked being pregnant. The only thing I learned from Glee is that faking a pregnancy is no good. 

Okay, Google uploading is slow since it uploads it to their server so I might code this later to do local pages and share via Dropbox. Remind me later.

I can't believe this bitch is still here. I know it's only the beginning of the second episode, but seriously. How did she even get on this show?

Also, if I've learned anything from watching TV, this girl really wants the D because she cannot stop touching her hair.

ERMAGERD CHANTEL GOT A MONOLOGUE SEGMENT. Who the hell produces this? There is absolutely nothing redeeming about her

JP just blindfolded Clare. Probably because he wants to ignore the crazy eyes. HAHA Clare's talking about smelling him now. Because her senses are heightened.

Okay, now he's talking about how he thought she was funny when she gave her first impression, and he's giving her a piggyback ride. When did this happen? Someone on Bachelor production needs to learn storylining. The world would be so much better if I went into TV production. Opera girl totally just got wiped from everything.

JP brought her to a winter wonderland! Damn, that's game. There's sledding and pine trees and snow. Bravo. 

Hahahahhaa Lucy the hippie girl is topless in the hot tub! She's the girl who's now the Snapchat CEO's girlfriend. What a whore. Everyone already hates her because she's a whore. Fun fun!

Now Clare is doing imaginary checkboxes. Because that's just what we do. Where do I find crazy women like this?

Next one on one date: Kat!

This is the girl that Juan Pablo called and the other girl walked up and everything was awkward. JP likey the blondes though. Respect.

Yee now Clare is telling JP her life story. Talking about her dad. Be more of a downer on your first date please. Lesson learned: no talking about dead people on your first dates. This girl is worse than Lauren. But maybe in a good way.

Still talking about her dead dad, while JP tries to figure out what's underneath her bikini. He ain't discrete, and that's why America loves him!

And she said it's ironic that they're at a winter wonderland, because when her father died, she turned into an ice queen! Wordplay, fake pregnancies, crazy eyes: she pretty much hits everything on my imaginary checklist! And consequently JP's. This bitch going to the end.

What JP got out of the conversation: her dad treated her like a princess so she wants to be treated like a princess by her man. So she has high standards, which he does too (this is up for debate because of the aforementioned presence of Chantel and Permy Magoo). So they share that, so he wants her to stay.

Obviously, I am not reading that deeply into these conversations. Anybody who says this ain't a thinking show is a crazy ass fool.

Clare got a rose on the date! And first kiss of the season! Gameplay! Goddamn Clare. Getting him all enveloped in her crazy. All the other girls can go home.

Now music is playing. Some fat hippie is playing the guitar, but somehow it's not the ultimate cockblock. Because he's got the voice of an angel. He's Josh Krajick? I think he was on Idol, but I dunno. Damn, Clare is getting it. OMG there's music playing, they're kissing, and it's snowing! And this bitch keeps talking about her dad. Seriously. It has to stop. What a good date for her. 

Now it's time for Kat. Man, she know's how to work the angles like a pro. And dem thighs :)

He didn't blindfold her, but took her to a plane.

Goddamn, she's so cute. Those dimples. Those legs. That blondeness. I need to be on this show. 

Haha she just blatantly checked out JP's ass. Discretion not needed ever. 

He took her to the Electric Run 5K, and it doesn't start until they start it. This is hilarious. This one girl that was running tried to grind up next to JP, but she totally just got ignored.. God, JP knows how to do it. I am learning so much.

Another 1 on 1 date came in the mail! Who is it?

It's a bunch of people. OMG CHANTEL GOT LISTED ON THE INVITE. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS. Seriously.

So the people who didn't get a date. Permy Magee for obvious reasons. But opera chick didn't get a date. How is it possible to be so bipolar? And Amy the news reporter. And she's way better than Chantel. My heart hurts for her. Opera chick is a bitch and Permy Magee is ugly, so it don't hurt for them.

Now Kat and JP go up on stage. Kat is wearing far too much eyeshadow.

SHE'S GETTING A ROSE! YEE GIRL!!! She's not going to make it far, but it's good to have her around. She didn't even get a kiss. 

Ugh Chelsie got a date. Lame. She's so annoying.

So all these girls are now on a group date with JP. It's a photoshoot!

OMG JP's CREATIVE DIRECTOR HAS A BLUE BEARD + GOATEE. I'M NOT HAVING IT. EVER.

Wow Chantel is getting far too many monologue segments. She's had like 3 and opera chick has 0.

So it's a photoshoot with dogs. 

I couldn't resist, this guy was too sweaty and gay.

Damn, Cassandra's legs.

OMG they gave Chelsie an afro. You know they're going to try and spin this in a positive way, but it just can't get more horrible than this.

This is Kelly. She really got the short end of the stick

OMG now Chantel is barking. 

Now Lucy is walking down Santa Monica Blvd completely naked. 

Aww yeah JP likey Cassandra. He like dem elegant girls. 

And he likes MILFy Renee. 

And Andi the lawyer is freaking out because she has to pose nude. She's literally breaking down. 

And now JP is comforting her. OMG so cute. I ship JP and Andi. I stan JP and Andi. They are going to the end for sure. Awwwww. They're posing naked together.

And Lucy's there like the slutty third wheel that she is. What an uber cockblock. She is literally the worst person ever. She's cockblocking my fave couple.

Seriously, look at this picture. Lucy is just there being a whore. I can't stand it.

Chantel is still talking. Seriously. I don't even.

Cassandra's telling him that she has a son! Cassandra's kind of crazy-ish, but not in a lovable Clare way. She's definitely getting kicked off soon. I could just feel that JP wasn't feeling her.

JP and MILFy Renee having a romantic rooftop hug talking about their kids. Haha she wants a kiss but he's not giving it to her. 

Chelsie just cockblocked this other girl to get some 1 on 1 time. What a bitch.

Victoria is now drunk. Now the fun begins!

"Life is about straddling people. And things" <-- wise words from Victoria

Now JP and Nikki. He still likey the blondes. 

Victoria just called the Heimlich Maneuver the Hymen Maneuver. Classy to the max.

Haha Kelly is laughing about it because drunk Victoria makes her look better.

JP and Nikki just saw drunk Victoria and now she's going to the bathroom to cry about it. MILFy Renee going in to help her. Victoria's just upset that she hasn't had 1 on 1 time with JP.

Now she's being dramatic and saying she's going home. Kelly just internally laughing.because she's an innately horrible person. Which is okay in my book. She's leaving soon too.

LUCY JUST COCKBLOCKED ANOTHER GIRL BY TELLING JP THAT VICTORIA'S LOSING IT!!!! WHAT A BITCH!!!

JP talking to Victoria through the bathroom door. What a good guy. 

JP giving the rose! 

He gave it to Kelly! Kelly saying "Yes!" to the camera/all the other girls to rub it in everyone's faces. THat's our Kelly.

Haha Chantel talking about her feelings. GTFO of my my Bachelor plz.

JP talking to Victoria now, and he wants to get out. He's so bored.

And he's not even going to wait for the rose ceremony to tell her no. Noice. What a bro.

OMG Cassandra breakdown coming up! I KNEW SHE WAS CRAZY! My craydar is off the hook

Seriously, what happened with opera chick. I've only seen her once during this episode.

Amy getting a 1 on 1 talk with JP! Yee! Haha she's doing a fake news segment. He's totally weirded out by this. OMG cringy magee. Oh man, she's so cute but that was so bad.

OPERA CHICK IS COMING UP! OOOOOOPPPPEEEERRAAAAAAAAAA

Opera chick is so awkward. Dude her cleavage level is at a max tonight. Good call.

Cassandra now talking about her son. And now she's crying. Wow her son is fugly.

MILFy Renee trying to help her out. What a good woman. Just always there.

JP coming to talk to Cassandra. Goddamn, Renee's legs. She deserves to go to the end.

JP is such a good guy. He knows what to say. I am learning so much game.

They just did a fist bump with the blow up. How cute.

People I stan JP with:
1. Andi
2. Clare
3. Cassandra
4. MILFy Renee
5. Kat
6. Nikki
...
999. Permy Magee
.......
999999. Chantal
...
9999999999999999999. Lucy


Rose ceremony!

Clare, Kat, and Kelly already have roses. Here we go!
Cassandra gets a rose! Yeeeeeeee!!!!!! Get dat crazy!
Nikki gets a rose! Yeeeee!!! Werk dem blondes!
Andi gets a rose!!!!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Make dat love the law!
Elise gets a rose! I'm pretty ambivalent about Elise, but she's busty as fuck

Opera singer looks like she's about to cry. She knows she's not getting a rose.
Omg Permy Magee straightened her hair.

SHARLEEN GETS A ROSE!!!! !WHAAAAAAT?!!!! God she's so damn awkward and cute. Dat cleavage worked wonders for her tonight.
MILFy Renee gets a rose! Yee!! MILF it up

OMGGGGGGGGG. PERMY MAGEE GETS A ROSE!!!!!!!!! SHE DIDN"T EVEN GO ON A DATE WITH HIM AND I DON'T THINK SHE HAD A ONE ON ONE TALK WITH HIM. Proof that good things do happen when you ditch the perm
UGHGHGHGHGHGHG LUCY GETS A ROSE. FUCKING HELL!!! WHYYYYYYY
Alison gets a rose. Who the fuck is Alison?
Chelsie gets a rose. Probably a good thing, so we have more cringeworthy moments later.
Lauren gets a rose. She's the piano player. She didn't do shit.

ONE ROSE LEFT
Omg I'm actually shaking. I can't wait to find out.
Christie. I dunno who that is either, but she's blonde.

Noooooo Amy's leaving. She's so cute. That reporter segment utterly fucked her. Bad decision. Aww, she has such a positive outlook.

YEEEEE CHANTAL IS LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE THE DEGREE OF MY SMILE. AIN'T NO NUMBER HIGH ENOUGH!

Wow, those were the only 2 people sent home.



OMG Previews!
Kat heart to heart with JP
OMG SHARLEEN KISSES HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY!!!!!!
ANDI AND CASSANDRA MAKE OUT WITH HIM!!!!
It's gonna be a good week