Only 11 girls left! And that means Permy Magoo has a 1/11 chance of being the next Mrs. Juan Pablo Galaviz! Those odds are staggering.
She has about the same chance of having Juan Pablo's babies as Leonardo DiCaprio has of winning the Oscar for Best Actor this year. And that's no small shakes.
Smart money's still on Leo though.
So now we're going to Vietnam!
Honestly, what is this bitch still doing here? She has no business being anywhere close to JP. Hooray for mini Permy Magoo cameo!
In all actuality, this is probably the picture of the next four to go. Particularly Cassandra. But we'll see.
Uh oh. Kat is wearing a fedora. It's fucking ugly but she's fucking hot. I'm so confused. Just take off the ugly hat! Life doesn't have to be this hard.
Alli getting her first monologue since she bragged about being good at soccer. Just building up screen time for her impending exit. Saying this is the most beautiful place she's ever been. Saying it will be the perfect backdrop for her love story. Oh geez.
Damn, Kelly looks fine as fuck.
Omg, Kat doing the titanic thing and she's not even on a boat. And she's still wearing the fedora. Thank god she's got an ass. But Clare's ass though. Damn son. I'd wade through miles of crazy to land on that mound of even crazier.
Ladies and gentlemen, your season 18 Bachelor power players. Nice scarves. Nikki looks better and better each week. Unfortunately, Andi is dropping off fast.
DATE CARD!!!!!!! Damn, all of these legs.
OMG MILFY RENEE GOT THE ONE ON ONE!!!!
I was not expecting that. I almost choked on my laughs.
Damn, Milfy Renee's eyes. I had forgotten how she got her moniker.
Milfy Renee curling her hair and putting on makeup. It is on!
Andi being all paranoid because she's not getting one on one dates. She be worried all the time.
DAMN!!!!! MILFY RENEE IN SHORT SHORTS!!!!! DEM LEGS!!!!! Also, she got dem MILF boobs.
JP: We're just going to walk around
Milfy Renee: Stroll
Bitch is like a walking thesaurus. I approve.
JP is driving the pedicab while Milfy Renee sits in it. He's talking about how she's in the same stage in her life as he is, because she's old.
Goddamn Milfy Renee. Holy shit. Dayum.
Geez. What is wrong with JP's sweat glands? Why is he sweating so much?
JP now getting her a tailor made dress for Renee. Because the right FIT! Clever.
Damn, I forgot how cute Renee is. She would make a bomb trophy wife.
JP is sweating hard.
And he bought a fan and is fanning her because it's hot! Renee says that it's the small things like that that pay off. Gameplay! I'm slowly learning to pick up MILFy women from the master: JP.
I love Milfy Renee now. She's perfect! Her nose looks really good, which is weird, but then you see her profile. And it is really good.
KISSS!!!!!!! PLEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
JP is making a deal about this "custom-made fit dress". It's a dress fool. You have had 25 women pine after you in the past 5 weeks, including the amazing Milfy Renee. And you're talking about a fucking dress? I don't understand.
Damn, she looks good. Dress could be tighter. Now they're going for dinner.
Why do they put the rose on the table? It's so awkward. I like the setup where it was like the first impression rose, where everyone knows he has it, but it's not like within view or whatever.
JP now asking about Ben's dad. Good man. By the way, I looked up Cassandra's baby daddy, and it's Rodney Stuckey, a pro NBA starter. Which is why her baby looked half black.
MILFy Renee said they just grew apart and are still on good terms. Boo, I wanted drama.
Now he's blowing on her because she's hot. Dude this is epic gameplay. I don't even know where to start.
Damn, Kat looks smoking in her tight gray dress.
Group date card!
Oh lawdy, Kelly's legs. And Sharleen eagerly awaiting the results of the date card, as I am too.
Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Permy Magoo, and Andi get on the group date. Which means Nikki gets the one on one date!
JP talking about how Milfy Renee's eyes hypnotize him. Me and him are on the same page all the time. Except for his weird obsession about this dress. It's just a dress dude. Get over it.
Milfy Renee gets a rose! Aaaaagh she's so cute!
Now they're getting lantern things and making wishes. It's gonna happen.
JP talking about how how she's a mom and so he's not going to kiss her tonight. Why is he breaking my heart again?
Time for the group date!
All of the girls are doing that thing where you tie up your shirt, showing off your stomach. It's very 1st grade cheerleader.
Damn, Clare came to play. She looks amazing.
Girls picking partners now. Clare doesn't have a partner, so she gets to partner up with JP!
Kelly explains that Clare has no friends in the house, and looks damn fine doing it.
Just to get the dynamic of the house, the partners are:
Clare and JP - Crazy Clare just gettin' it
Permy Maggo and Cassandra - Probably the two nicest, most innocent people in the house
Chelsie and Alli - The two most useless ones in the house
Andi and Kat - The two secret power players in the house
Kelly and Sharleen - My two favorites in the house
JP KISSING CLARE!!!!!! HE THINKS NO ONE CAN SEE THEM!!!! Damn, he made the move without her even prompting.
But all the girls can see. And they're shocked.
And Sharleen. Goddamn. When did she get boobs?
Everyone's pissed that it's like Clare basically getting a one on one date.
Nikki and Milfy Renee talking back at the house.
Nikki: Getting another group date would have sucked. If I was just on a group date card, I might not get the rose on the group date...that would be stupid. Because I always do.
Sassy ass Nikki coming to play!
JP talks to this random guy by the side of the road and is invited in for dinner. Okay... Well he actually invites himself in. But that's not the point I guess.
Oh my god. Sharleen looks so cute.
So they go farming, and Cassandra's all cute and happy about it.
Aww yeah, never trust this camera man.
Kelly getting her first face time with JP in a long long time. This is just a passing image, but good to see. Not sure if I've ever seen Alli or Permy Magoo in the same frame as JP.
Andi being a complete whiny bitch about not being on a one on one date. She's starting to piss me off.
Talking with JP now. And so now she's relinquishing control and risking breaking her heart. Of course. I've seen this in every single TV show ever.
Kelly talking about how it's irrational for hating Clare for taking chances to get with JP, and looking damn fine.
HAHAHAHA ALLI GETS ANOTHER MONOLOGUE! SHE'S SO USELESS!!!
They're drinking now, and it looks like Andi has beer, Kelly has vodka in a martini glass, and Sharleen has fucking blue drink. Probably blue curacao, because I'm an expert lush, trained by the best to spot drinks from miles away. But I did not have her pegged as a blue drink girl. Color me surprised.
More drink analysis:
JP drinking water so he can make good decisions
Chelsie drinking pink drink because she's fucking annoying
Kat drinking yellow drink (pina colada?) because she's trying to outshine everybody else
Then JP grabs Clare for more one on one time.
Permy Magoo getting some screen time, talking about Clare is overtaking the group date.
Then, JP takes her back to his suite, and invites Clare to take a swim with him! DAMN SON!!!
Oh man, her legs are wrapped around him. That bastard. I wish I were him.
Goddamn Clare. Get it girl!
Date card coming for Nikki.
It says let's have a HELL of a good time. So she's thinking it's fire.
Awww yeah, Sharleen gets some one on one time! She's wearing a dress that's super low cut on the back, all the way to the top of her ass. This bitch loves to show off that skin.
Sharleen: I need to him to see me as a panda in a room full of brown bears
Where did that even come from? What a weird Sharleen analogy.
They kiss a bit, then Sharleen says: I can't show all my cards.
This bitch turning down kisses! She knows she's the frontrunner and no one is even coming close!
Oh my god, seeing Cassandra with JP just breaks my heart. She's going to have her heart broken very soon.
Andi gets to make out with JP.
Where was the Permy Magoo segment? C'mon.
Clare gets the rose! Omg, Kelly looks pissed. Andi complaining again, because she thought she would get the rose. Please. Andi says "reliquish control" again. Let's stretch this career-oriented woman falls in love thing even more. Because it's not tired 5 episodes in!
Girls get back home. Andi complains even more. Sharleen sitting right up against Kelly :)
Clare says she doesn't want the night to end in her monologues. Uh oh. Here comes the crazy! She wants to swim in the ocean with JP!
And he goes so she feels comfortable! Omg. Wow. Clare with the utter gameplay move.
Now making out in the ocean. Oh my god. I have to use this. This is game over for everyone else. Wow.
Wow.
Clare is my hero. That was a straight up crazy move, but it worked to perfection.
Time for Nikki's one on one with JP!
They're taking a walk through a forest, then they get to a gigantic hole in the ground, and they're going down there via repelling, to a cave. Of course, Nikki is afraid of heights. I feel like I've seen this exact situation play out.
If there's one thing JP does not understand, it's that putting women at the edge of cliffs is not a good idea. Of course, he's also playing some kind mental wizardry and pitting girls against one another in some kind of "get out of your comfort zone" hunger games, so there's that.
Then they kiss while at the middle of their decline. JP's moves are getting stale. Then they make out when they get to the bottom.
Meh.
Oh my god, Nikki's been talking for like 10 minutes. This is so boring. She ain't no Clare.
She gets a rose. Good for her.
JP says he has to send home 3 people tonight. My prediction: Permy Magoo, Alli, and Cassandra. And nothing of value will be lost.
Andi gets the first one on one time. Her smile is so cute. JP needs to learn to button his shirt. He's wearing his button-down shirt like a V-neck.
Andi learning Spanish from JP. He teaches her "Dame un besito," and Andi uses it to get a kiss from him. Work.
Sharleen looks damn fine.
JP talking about his favorites: Cassandra, Sharleen, Milfy Renee
JP gives Milfy Renee her first kiss!!!!!!!!!! YEEEE BOIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT'S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great kiss
Milfy Renee is so fine.
Oh my god. JP now saying it wasn't fair to go to the ocean with Clare the other day.
Omg, he's talking to Clare about it now. And how he feels weird because it wasn't fair.
My heart. I can feel Clare's heart breaking.
Clare saying it's not about fair. It's about how you feel. It's about your heart. Word to your mother.
And now he's talking about his daughter, and how she wouldn't be okay with it.
And now Clare's crying because she let JP down, and she didn't want to disrespect his daughter.
Oh damn, Clare's eyes. And now Clare is all unsure of herself.
Everyone notices tension between JP and Clare when they come back.
Clare now crying, and she tries to cover it up by saying bad allergies. And she keeps crying. Omg. So sad.
Cassandra says it's super awkward to the entire group when Clare comes in. God, I love her.
Chris Harrison comes in! That's always good news! JP is whisked away by our host, and the girls are left wondering about what went on with JP and Clare
Time for rose ceremony!!
Milfy Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses, so they're safe
Time to give out roses. Permy Magoo and Alli are definitely going home. But is the third one to go home going to be Cassandra or Elise? This is gonna be intense.
By the way, Sharleen looks banging in that pink dress. Work it girl!
First rose goes to...SHARLEEN!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
CASSANDRA GETS THE SECOND ROSE!!!! WHAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!! YEEE GIRL!!!!!!!
Omg, Kelly might be in trouble
OMG
OMG
OMG
Chelsie gets the next rose! Shit, this means Kat or Kelly are going home
Kat gets a rose. Omg. Why are they taking away my wonky eyed dream girl?
Andi gets the final rose.
The girls to go are Permy Magoo, Alli, and Kelly. Kelly sharing a hug with Sharleen because they're just super hot best friends. Sharleen crying because her bestie is gone.
Permy Magoo still looks smiley and happy. She's a good person. We'll miss her.
Permy Magoo talking in her monologue about how she felt that there wasn't a strong connection. At least she's honest.
JP is crying. And he's saying how he's going to have to be careful with Clare so he doesn't make bad decisions. Ruh roh.
Alli is crying, but she has no reason to. She was useless.
Next week:
They're at New Zealand! Omg, it looks like Andi's going to have a great week next week. Clare is going to confront JP about Vietnam, which can't end up good.
Omg, Sharleen is crying in the preview. She says it might be best if she leaves. Omg. No. If there's a voluntary Sharleen leaving, I will quit watching this show. No. No. No.
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